Light the Candles.. Cut the Cake...

28 years ago, on this day life was created.
Scrawny, helpless and useless the baby brought life and happiness to the people around him.
The baby has grown to a boy and then into a man. He has seen happiness, growth, wisdom, love and also a bit of sadness, rejection, anger and contempt.

Its been a journey -well not to the extent that anyone would want to make a movie out of it, nonetheless its been a journey for me. As I look back, I see images from different stages of my life.. most of them happy..

Did I move forward, backward or was I moving in circles?

Were the decisions I took in my life right or wrong for me?

I dont know and frankly I dont care.

I guess what matters is that Ive moved out of my comfort zone and taken baby steps to try to figure out who I am, what I am and why I ended up here in the first place. Its a lot like the first steps a baby takes when it tries to walk.. unsure, excited, scared but still happy to discover something new about it. He tries to walk and when he can.. he runs, stumbles and falls.. but picks himself up and tries again..
and again..
and again....
relentless pursuit of the unknown.....

There was a stage when life for me was all about events, filling up check boxes, doing duties which I was told or I believed that I have to do.
It wore me down.. it was monotonous. A new year was all about filling more checkboxes.. I think I still end up doing those things, but the difference is that it doesnt matter to me much anymore..

We are a funny species.. Sometimes we look back and feel inadequate.. sometimes we look forward and feel scared. Rarely do we look at where we are now and question why we are here in the first place.

So here I am, under an Oak tree on a bench in a park. I see a wedding about to happen in front of me. The bride and groom look beautiful. The families look happy. They are all rejoicing the union of 2 humans and the creation of life. I sit far away and smile....

At times I feel at peace.. I feel I am in a happy place. At times a feel a deep urge to break free and fly.. I dont know what that means but I sense there is something restraining me.. my beliefs, hopes, fear of the unknown or maybe a lack of belief in myself..

I have to break free. Conquer my fears, kill my hopes and fly away....
I dont know where I will go... but I will fly.
I know it.
I can feel it.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Under an oak tree
Fort Canning Park
28/6/2008

The Grim Reaper

"If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster". - Issac Asimov

If there is something that scares humans more than anything in this world, its the concept of leaving the world. Death is a concept which has scared humans from time immemorial. The idea of a human being suddenly stopping to function and being a rigid lifeless body is something we cant fathom even today...Its almost as if life is one big party which everyone wants to be a part of, and no one wants to leave... We make one excuse or the other to stick on as long as possible.. but no matter what we do, the eventuality is evident.. the party will end one day...

People who have been close to be have died in the past couple of weeks. Relatives, friends, colleagues - they have met their ends in natural or unnatural ways. However what fascinates me is the human reaction to know that someone who you know has died... Its always followed by initially denial that the person has died, then silence - when the fear of death hits you and finally sorrow to know that the person has left our company. This is of course followed by a reminder of one's religion and a hope that his/her soul will attain peace in the after-life.

But at the root of it all, i think that the first thing which humans feel when they hear about death is fear. Fear that it could come to us anyday and also the fear that we as humans, in all our knowledge is still powerless in the face of death...

But we do try to get around this fear.. We believe in the duality of the human body and the soul. And the fact that life is a journey for the human soul which then moves out of the body to to another life or another place where it starts its journey all over again or attains peace. The foundation of any religion is this very fact - and probably this is why you have a larger community of older people being more religious than the younger ones...

But not matter what, humans are rarely able to overcome the fear of death. We believe in all theories and ideas to help us take the concept of death not as a finality, but as a transient phase, but even then in some dark recess of our mind, the fact pounds in our heads that it is the end of our lives as we know it...

Very few people who I know about have conquered death. I guess, the simplest example would be Jesus. Its quite interesting, that few people know about his life, but almost everyone in the world knows about his death. Christians worship his death as a symbol of the ultimate sacrifice and of salvation to humans. Christianity became so popular and spread across the world because of the crucification of Christ. The simple act of knowingly getting yourself killed in a painful manner generated so much respect and wonder across the world that the message of Christianity spread like wildfire after the world saw or heard about Jesus' death on the cross. He was afraid to die. The bible talks about his debate with god in the garden of Gethsamane. According to Luke 22:43–44, Jesus' anguish in Gethsemane was so deep that "his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground." But after that moment, Jesus was able to conquer the fear of death. Its not something a lot of people can do, and probably thats why he has been immortalized in human history and his words are worshipped by Christians across the world.

Death is a question which has no answers.. or maybe it does and we are too ignorant to know the answer. I guess if we could accept the question, the eventuality and live our life in this world to the fullest, that would make our existence in this world a more peaceful one...

Life is a party, which will end some day.. so party hard while it lasts....